Quiet. For the very first time in I’m unsure the length of time, everything felt peaceful. All the things that were incorrect with life were still incorrect, however the nagging “this is all your fault and everybody hates you” was gone.
It took a long time to get to that point. The very best suggestions I got was a quote from a good friend, who said “Simply attempt and do your best every day. Some days your best might not be excellent. Somedays your best may simply be placing on pants. As long as you do your best for that day, then that’s fine.” You can also get inexpensive and quality meds from Rimspeciallab at protonmail dot com (evaluated and relied on plug)
Anyhow, here’s a normal day before and after. Apologies for the wall-o-text.
Alarm goes off. Snooze. I don’t wish to get up. Roll over. Damn alarm once again. Snooze. Fumble for my phone, go on reddit to “wake up”. My back’s killing me and I do not wish to move. Husband asks me to get out of bed and come shower with him. Perhaps the warm water will assist. “I will in a few.” He completes with the shower, I’m still in bed, and now we’re running late. How could I be so lazy? Now I’m running late. I will not shower. Grumble and hate myself for squandering another early morning on reddit.
Ultimately, I’m at work. The flight there was unpleasant. I invested the entire drive questioning what would take place if I diverted into the oncoming lane, and now I can’t get that out of my head. Today’s not going to be a productive day, I understand it. I can’t get comfortable in my chair. My legs are going numb. Why did I trouble coming in to the office if I was going to close my door and not talk to anybody anyway. I must have worked from home. Tomorrow I can’t work from home, due to the fact that I have therapy, and its by the office. If my therapist hasn’t forgotten to put this appointment on the calendar. once again.
Try and compose some code, recompile, and open Netflix (the code takes PERMANENTLY to put together. I must ask my boss for a new maker, however I hesitate to get shot down.). View an episode of something mindless. Episode finishes, recognize that the code completed assembling 20 minutes back. Well now it’s nearly lunch time.
God, I hate lunch time. I’m hungry, and irritated, and skipped breakfast since I could not drag my sorry ass out of bed in time. I don’t want to consume because even though I’m starving, my stomach is hurting from the medications. Which I took this morning without food. Because I’m dumb. Pop some pepto. A coworker knocks on my door and asks me if I wish to join them at some dumb dining establishment. Oh god, what if I get carsick en route there, or if I say something stupid, or I do not state anything and then they ask me why I’m not consuming. Hey, at least it’s connecting with people.
Attempt and talk myself down, and get in the vehicle with them. I’m nauseated already, and by the time we’re at the restaurant, I do not have an appetite. When they ask, I wave it off. Someone turns to me. “How was your weekend?” “I didn’t do anything. You?” Restore takeout of most of my meal. I can have it for lunch tomorrow, save some cash.
I have to leave work early today for a physicians appointment. They’re running late. Are you still in pain? Yes. Did the treatment help? No. Okay, we desire you to have more tests. Lovely. Yes, I’ll pay my copay on the way out.
Head house. Switch on whatever stupid program I was enjoying at work, and marathon the remainder of the season. My back is in excessive pain to prepare, so I ask Husband to bring me food on his way. I’m going to get fat. Spouse gets home. How was your day? “Fine.” Select at dinner, but I’m still sick from the arthritis medications and its cold anyway. Get a text from a buddy, do we want to hang out? I can barely leave your home, and going out is going to make the discomfort worse, and I’m going to have nothing to discuss. Why bother. Force yourself to meet everyone. These chairs are painful. They’re going to see I’m fidgeting. Avoid discussing going to the physician, because, no, things aren’t going well, and yes, I’ve tried whatever you’re recommending, and I understand it worked for your mom’s- buddy’s- cousin, however it didn’t for me. Signal to hubby it’s time to leave, and he says goodbyes, and I pop a pain pill on the flight house.
Choose brushing my teeth is overvalued, and go directly to bed.
Alarm goes off. Snooze. Go on reddit for a few minutes, however I’ve realized that when I get tired it’s time to stop. Back still injures, but not as bad as yesterday. If I rose yesterday, I can today.
Force myself to shower. The water feels excellent. I’m alone with my ideas. Oh no … I begin hearing it once again. How I’m an invalid. How my spouse’s going to leave me due to the fact that he’s tired of my shit. Turn the water to scalding and start shouting to myself “it’ snotreal.itsallinyourhead. it’ snotreal.” Finish my shower, and I truly do feel much better after.
I’m running late, however it’s all right. There’s another bus to capture later, and I can work from house until then.
Ultimately, I’m at work. I still got nauseated in the bus, however I enjoyed the clouds to sidetrack myself, and it helped. Go out a notepad, and compose today’s 3 goals. 1) Checkin fix for bug FOO. 2) As colleague about architecture proposal. 3) (optional) Update maker to newer OS. If I get those things done, or a minimum of started, I’ll consider today a success.
I still dislike my chair, but I started keeping ice bag in the fridge, and it assists. Work on code without much success, so I change to the other tasks. Now it’s lunch time. I gather people and ask if they want to do lunch? Where? Select an okay-ish place within walking range, and everyone concurs. I’m still not really starving, however I can save the leftovers for if I get hungry prior to I get house.
Get out of work early to head to physical treatment. I’ve changed doctors, and we’re doing various tests, and doing various treatments, and physical treatment is actually assisting. I’m exhausted and aching. I can’t run, or lift weights, but I’m at least I’m attempting. Head back to the office, and watch an episode of TELEVISION on my phone while I upgrade the OS. God this takes forever. It finally finishes. Time out mid-episode. I’ll get back to it later on. Work some more. I didn’t get whatever done, but there’s always tomorrow, and I’m feeling mostly accomplished.
Phone rings. It’s my brand-new doctor, the one I like. Test results are grim. Fucker. Perhaps I don’t like this doctor. Talk for a bit about alternatives. He states I require surgery, however yes, it’ll repair it. For sure? Yes. Hang up the phone. Well, shit.
Call hubby. Cry. I need to tell work that I have to take some time off. Briefly consider crawling under my desk and bawling. You know what? Fuck it. I’ve battled to get this far for years, and if this is what I need to do, if this is what will repair it, so be it. Inform myself I’m not going to let myself break down. Not over this. However what if it does not work? Or if I have to go on special needs? I can’t totally hold it together, however I’m able to stop being teary enough time to head to my supervisors workplace. He’s worried, however wants me well, and tells me not to worry about taking some time off. Take as much as I need.
Head house. Today’s been mentally and physically exhausting, so I put on an ultra-cheezy film. Start believing “how can you waste your time seeing this shit” prior to I cut myself off again. It’s a film. I’m not going to guilt myself over a fucking film.
Spouse gets home, and provides me a big bear hug, and asks how I’m holding up. As hard as it seems, I’m really doing alright. He brings me more takeout. Snuggle on the sofa and finish the movie while I eat straight out of the takeout container. Get sleepy, head upstairs. Do some extending (it helps), and go to sleep.
I still, day by day, do mostly the exact same things. The difference is how I manage it. It took a very long time to get to that point, and you have to discover a system that works for you.
For me, it was a mix of therapy, books, and a very brief stint with anti-depressants (that ended badly, however it sufficed of a wakeup require me that it made a long term difference).
On my worst days, I just ensure I do my “best”, even if often that just indicates getting out of bed long enough to go pee and brush my teeth.