People are typically shocked to find out that I, Brian Phillips, take pleasure in investing time with stars in glamorous situations and environments.
My response is always the exact same.
Case in point: Last night I went to a screening of the brand-new X-Files series at The London, an unique Hollywood hotel. There are a lot of various sizes of people in the world, and that guy is one of the regular ones.
Afterward, there were cocktails.
State what you will about Hollywood, but it was an interesting experience. My serious-writer brain was completely engaged with discovering about things like the significance of America and likewise what is up with Mulder and Scully these days.
Like I stated, I enjoy socializing with stars.
What I can inform you is what does not happen in the brand-new X-Files. A lot stuff doesn’t take place! And each brand-new non-development is more stunning than the last. Without additional ado, here’s a breakdown of the most amazing X-Files plot developments that do not and never ever will exist.meant a lot to me over the years, and I really wanted to like the new episodes. It was great to see Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny onscreen together again. As for the writing, editing, story, characterization, acting, and reasonableness of stock footage of George W. Bush interspliced with well-intentioned but incoherent zeitgeist-chasing monologues about the Patriot Act and government surveillance … well, look, it was great to see Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny onscreen together again.
3. Scully absolutely does not purchase some trays on the Web.
4. At the end of a dark street, where the light from a lone streetlamp shines along pavement slick with rain, Scully does not discover a pop-up taqueria where this person Jonathan is making churros.
5.I could inform you that this series explores the politics of mulch production, but I would be lying, since that
is yet another thing that does not happen.
6. Mulder does not look out a window at the U.S. Capitol and whisper,” Beasts, huh. I don’t believe I get it.”
7. You know who else does not do that? Anyone.
8. Mulder simply never ever books a journey to Africa on the grounds that “hippos simply feel like an X-File. “
9. It does not, at any point, take place that Assistant FBI Director Walter Skinner joins Kickstarter to seek financing for his” elegantly bound novelization” of Infocom’s Leather Goddesses of Phobos.
10 The word” copyleft”– that doesn’t get tossed around a lot.
11 Jonathan, who is not making churros, does not tell Scully that “it’s about the cinnamon” and after that gasp, “I’ve said too much,” and then get shot in the head by a sniper from Venus.
12 Mulder and Scully do not then come across a mystical low white building in the middle of a cinnamon field where blank-faced workers in white hazmat matches kind of appear like they’re processing cinnamon but likewise kind of appear like they’re doing something else.
14 There is never ever a day, in the entire timeline of the brand-new series, when the members of the conspiracy honestly admit that they would make a shitty water polo team.
16 The camera does not slowly focus on the cancer-eating mutant, Leonard Betts, as he takes a long, luxuriant lick of a Friendly’s ice cream cone, then continue to focus, closer and more detailed, all the method into his mad, dead eyes, as he whisperings, “This tastes gross.”
18 Mulder does not toss a football through a tire swing in severe slow motion while a gravelly, no-nonsense male commentary breaks down his mechanics.
19 I do not want to get extremely specific about how Scully’s Java classes are going, however suffice it to say that she isn’t taking any.
21 ” Screw UFOs,” the Cigarette Smoking Male does not state on a speedboat. Then he really does not sweep his fingers through his hair and cry, “I have leonine hairs!”
22 Scully does not text her friend Allison that the Smoking Guy is “type of a fuckboy tbqh.”
23 Great, let’s talk about vaping.
24 The cinnamon-conspiracy trail does not lead Mulder and Scully to a bombed-out mosque in Tangier, where Mulder does not take a break from the examination to loudly rap all the verses to Huge Sean’s “ Dance (A$$)“
27 If Scully dates a Muppet– I’m stating if here– and if that Muppet is Dr. Teeth, their third date is not to the global aikido champions.
28 Alfred Hitchcock directs no episodes (Alfred Hitchcock is dead).
29 Nobody, including Luther Lee Boggs, the serial killer who scared Scully in the classic episode “Beyond the Sea,” gives Scully some trays as a present.
30 Mulder’s book club does not read The Time Traveler’s Other half— or if it does, Mulder does not complete the novel.
31 Did you know that Grantland has interns? We do, and they’re doing a fantastic job. Hi, guys! Just not great enough for any of them to appear in The X-Files
33 ” Uber, but for extraterrestrial invasions,” Mulder does not tweet, biting his own fist in shame.
34 Actually zero subplots include a quest to discover a brand-new trip bus for Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks
35 The following exchange does not happen, at all:
MULDER: Here we are in Las Vegas, Scully.
SCULLY: Hahaha kinda looks like Vancouver, though?
MULDER: No, Scully, this is Las Vegas, Nevada, where we have sojourned to solve an X-File.
SCULLY: I’m just stating, are there expected to be, like, towering pine trees in Las Vegas?
SCULLY: It’s simply I don’t normally consider “hushed forest majesty” when I consider Vegas.
MULDER: Why do you constantly ruin it, Scully.
36 Mulder never ever once introduces himself as “Fox Mulder, inveterate interpreter of beings and their ways.”
37 Seventeen minutes of the third episode of the new series are not dedicated to static video footage of the tray aisle at Target.
38 The Well-Manicured Guy does not present his 2 new conspiracy friends, the Orders Expensive Basketball Tennis shoes On eBay Man and Josh Who Is Still Into Normcore.
40 The following exchange also does not occur:
SCULLY: Well, Mulder, it doesn’t take a semanticist to see that the fundamental stress in progressive online discourse is that its dedication to the sanctity of individual personhood involves putting an ever-increasing tension on all the ways in which that sanctity can be broken … the issue is that we live in a moment in which a heightened sense of the worth of the individual threatens to produce a similarly increased sense of the person’s vital weakness.
MULDER: I hate to disagree with you, Scully, however the problem is magic tarantulas.
41 Mulder does not conclude a long reading of his memoirs by saying, “Which, my pals, was how I initially logged into Remodelista.”
42 Mulder and Scully do not disrupt sex in order to high-five after among them drops an “uh-oh, now the fact remains in there” joke.
43 Mulder and Scully do not invest 3 hours Gchatting about whether “Balerion the Black Fear” is a terrific name for a dragon, a super-clichéd name for a dragon, or strangely sort of both.
44 The reanimated corpse of Deep Throat does not state, “Buddies, I have a hankering for something and something just, and that thing is A.M. Crunchwraps.”
45 In Antarctica, where they have at last found the secret military installation where the alien-genome-spliced cinnamon is being gathered– cinnamon that can not be managed for more than a couple of seconds without triggering death to non-mutated or “pre-transcendent” people– Mulder and Scully do not realize with installing misery that the world is doomed since they have no other way to bring the cinnamon to the lab where it can be destroyed, because Scully was going to get some brand-new trays however, whoops, appears like someone forgot.
46 Mulder does not audition for, and does not win, the function of Mrs. Fairfax in a neighborhood theater adaptation of Jane Eyre
47 ” It was a throbbing night on Phobos, and the fucktrees foamed in the starlight,” is how Walter Skinner’s Kickstarter novel absolutely does not start.
48 Samantha Mulder does not return from a longer-than-expected journey to the store and state, “Wait, you thought I what?”
49 ” I’m changing the name to Area 52,” the First Senior declines to proclaim, adding: “It’s time to bump this alien action up a notch.”
50 The conspiracy does not begin to make good sense.